Last weekend I had the good fortune to attend the prestigious Brown University’s graduation ceremony. My fortune wasn’t so good that I was in a cap and gown, but none the less, I was there and got a decent amount of free Ivy League foodstuffs.
Of all the things to take in, one stood out to me in particular. It wasn’t the pomp, or the impressive amount of circumstance, it wasn’t a transcendent feeling standing in such storied halls of academia, and it wasn’t the fact that everyone who goes to Brown is Asian. It was that of all the titles of PhD dissertations, 99% of them seemed like complete made up gibberish.
Now, I understand that in the science, math, and engineering fields there is going to have to be a certain level of specificity that will exclude most lay persons from being able to glean anything from the title. And I’m not about to call bullshit on the people who make bridges and airplanes. As far as I know bridges are held up by innumerable gyroscopes, each smaller than the last, and a plane’s engine is just an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine[1]. So science types, do what you have got to do, name your doctoral dissertations whatever you see fit; I like driving over water and flying over it too, so do your thing.
The lifetime liberal arters don’t get the same kind of pass. Doing your dissertation on the “Helioscoptic properties of Y molecules in sub-space” is totally fine if you’re getting your science on. It may mean nothing (and in fact it does, I made it up) but I’m in no place to judge. Doing your dissertation on bluegrass message boards (yes that’s a real dissertation), that is just shameful. A thesis on bluegrass message boards should look something like this:
Abstract: This is total horseshit.
Body: Bluegrass doesn’t matter, messageboards don’t matter.[2] Two things that don’t matter combine to make one thing that absolutely does not matter.
Conclusion: Slide-whistle sound.
Annotated Bibliography: Nope.
Now, I may not have earned my PhD (which I believe to stand for Puffy hat & Diploma after seeing this combination in full swing all over Brown) but I know the liberal art con when I see it. As an undergrad, I was a Philosophy and Women’s Studies dual major. I know what it means to talk, write, and carry-on in general about things so far out of the bounds of what any decent person would deem worthwhile. I have convinced myself that the only thing on this planet that isn’t a social construct is the necessity for someone to give me a job.
But I digress, what’s the big deal with a dissertation on bluegrass? If someone wants to take five years to write fifty some odd pages on people writing about bluegrass on the internet, what’s the harm? People are advancing knowledge of some sort right? Wrong. I contend that not only does knowing about bluegrass message boards make you stupider, but this kind of academic puffery will result in all Americans working in Chinese sugar mines in the next 25 years.[3]
If you are in China and you try to get your PhD studying Pacman, or fiddle strings, or the ethical import of AOL dial-up internet, they will kick you out on your mortarboard. It’s a PhD, it’s not one of those claw games where you play until you get something. Just because you spent five to seven to twenty years doesn’t mean what you’re writing about is important in any way whatsoever. If I really put my mind to it (mind being used in the loosest sense) I could produce fifty plus well “researched” pages arguing for Derrida’s politicization of Levinas’ concept of hospitality as it pertains to foreign development and micro-credit. I could also draw two little eyes on the side of my hand and move my thumb to make it look like a face talking. I make might it say “howwa youuuuu doin’?” or “fuhgediboutit.” The value of these two things comes out to be roughly the same.
When you let people have PhDs for writing about bluegrass or the lindy hop as the prolegomena to HIV-conscious modern dance, it’s like saying “I love you” to every person you go on a date with, it just makes it less special. And we need PhDs to be special. I need them to be special, because I plan to write that Derrida paper, and I can’t have anyone know the horrible truth. So let’s start tightening the reins on what passes for PhD worthy material, but only after I get my degree.
Amen.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it should be noted -- as I gear up to read Infinite Jest this summer, your footnotes are good practice.